Tears Make Us Smarter

The majority of my clients over the past two weeks have cried during their calls.

I cried during my call with my own coach.

What’s going on???

The tears I witnessed (and produced) all told different stories — frustration, longing, relief, deep love, grief, joy, exhaustion, closeness, regret, laughter, fear.

Most of my clients are exceptionally skilled at keeping it together on the outside. They are driven people in demanding roles: c-suite executive, attorney, scientist, engineer, business coach, non-profit leader, medical professional, sales team lead. These jobs require — and reward — grounded, poised energy. There’s not a lot of room for tears in many of these spaces.

I can relate. I spent decades keeping it together on the outside, too. Across thousands of performances, I can count on one hand the times I cried on stage.

And yet — most of these same clients have become used to tears in our sessions. The first time it happens they often squirm and apologize. Sometimes they judge themselves as weak or unprofessional or think they’re being a “big baby.”

And that’s when I get to share my favorite phrase:

Tears make us smarter.

Tears have information. They help us access what’s actually happening inside. They point us to what matters, what’s missing, what we care about — and what we fear.

But instead of listening, many of us often just push them away, thinking this helps us make better choices. Sometimes we even scold ourselves for having those feelings at all.

Most of my clients don’t love crying in sessions (me, neither!) — and they’re willing to go there. Because together we’ve gotten really clear about why connecting with our feelings serves us.

Why this matters.

Information – Feelings provide valuable data about what’s most important, what our real human needs are. Ignore them, and rather than going away, they often get stronger. When this happens our feelings start running the show, taking over our decision making, often without our awareness. Feelings are data — tending to them helps ensure they don’t become directives.

Stress Cycles and Burnout – We’ve all felt that sense of physical relief that comes after a good cry. Studies show that letting ourselves feel (and cry) helps complete the stress cycle. Without this release, our bodies stay trapped in an activated state, long after the stressor is gone — this can be a major contributor to burnout. Crying is a great tool to create the physiological closure we need to move back to a more neutral place in our bodies.

Energy  – Suppressing emotion is exhausting. It’s like trying to hold a bunch of beach balls underwater all at once, forever — it takes constant energy to keep them from popping up. Feeling our feelings (letting those balls rise to the surface) saves so much effort and frees up our energy for more important things.

Choice — What’s happening inside of us always comes out, whether we want to believe it or not. And when it does, it often happens at times and in forms that don’t feel so great. And even if the feelings don’t erupt, we are definitely not doing our best thinking when a big part of our mind is occupied with pushing away our very real, very human feelings. We make better choices once we’ve tuned into what’s happening inside.

A better plan.

When we can tend to our feelings — thoughtfully — we reclaim energy. We better understand what’s driving our behavior. We tend to what hurts, and amplify our joy.

When we allow our tears to teach us, we can choose our actions from a place of wisdom and care.

Listening to my own tears, and learning to feel my feelings all the way through, has helped me process my transition from the BSO more fully. It’s helped me be braver and more successful in building my coaching business. And it’s helped me relate to and support my clients in a more powerful and empathetic way.

Tears can make YOU smarter, too.

Your Invitation to Reflect

When was the last time you gave yourself the space to feel what’s actually there? If you’re in a demanding workplace environment, where do you go to let your guard down? Do you have a place to let it all out in an intentional, productive way?

Have you developed a regular practice of looking inside to better understand what’s happening? 

PS —I  have loads of great resources on this topic. Reach out and let me know what resonated with you, and I'll point you to more. (You can click on the contact link below.)

PS —I first heard “tears make us smarter” from my coach. She learned it from the brilliant Nancy Kline, who has written deeply on the power of listening. Learn more here.