Out of control
A few months ago, I received an invitation to speak at an event in England. It came from an organization I didn’t know, and it was a surprising invitation given my background and theirs. Based on their website, I wasn’t totally sure what their values (or intentions) were. I even wondered if they had the wrong Elizabeth Rowe — except that the invitation came directly through my website.
I promptly went into a tailspin.
What if I agreed to speak — and they used my name, image, or words in a way I didn’t agree with? What if I turned them down — and later realized my own bias prevented me from serving a new community? What if I went all the way to England and somehow got captured by a cult?
(Not a lot of rational thinking in that last bit.)
When I took a deep breath (and got some coaching), I realized this tailspin was connected to a lot of earlier experiences in my career — and ultimately to something far deeper: my fear of not being 100% in control.
Especially my fear of not being 100% in control of how my story is seen and understood.
History
I come by this honestly. There is a lot about my professional story that I can not share, and that reality has been incredibly hard to navigate. I’ve had to allow a lot of misunderstandings to exist, simply because I’m not able to set the record straight or offer a more nuanced perspective.
And even when I’ve been fully “in control” of my message, it still hasn’t protected me the way I hoped. In 2023 a major national newspaper reported on my decision to leave the BSO. They misread my carefully crafted statement and got a key fact backwards. (They partially corrected the online version, but only after the print edition went out.) I had spent months writing that statement so it would clearly convey exactly what I wanted to say — and even that didn’t work!
It’s been challenging to accept how little is fully within my control, no matter how tightly I craft my words, or how carefully I think before I speak.
All Over Again
And now it’s all coming up again. The Boston Symphony’s recent decision not to renew their music director’s contract has generated a lot of press, a lot of drama — and my history with the orchestra is back in the news. Reporters are calling. I’m receiving emails asking for my thoughts. (Many are kind and genuine, some are not.) And once again I’m not 100% in control of my story. Ugh.
So I found myself in another tailspin, those same fears bubbling back up. Fear that my words would be twisted, that I wouldn’t have a voice (even though I have no desire to weigh in) — and the big one: that once again I’m not 100% in control.
Perspective
Here's what I've started to realize, though:
In many important ways, I am able to share my story. I can choose my words, shape my message, and say (most of) what I want to say. I am safe.
I have plenty of control in the most important ways. (Plenty is not the same as 100%.)
And if I want to keep growing, and live my life, and share my thoughts, and contribute to the world, I’m going to need to let go of the mistaken idea that I have to be 100% in control of everything.
Today, when I reread that 2023 article, I can see how truly unimportant the error was, how tiny it was in the context of the full paragraph about me. I couldn’t see that then — I was scared, and I could only see the one percent outside of my control.
Compassion
I have a lot of compassion for the parts of me that get scared when I’m back in the newspapers, or when I'm invited into spaces where I don’t fully belong.
It makes sense that this feels scary.
I try to be gentle with those scared parts.
And I am not willing to let them shrink my world.
Your Invitation to Reflect
What about you? Do you also struggle with letting go of control? (Most of us do!) Can you have understanding and compassion for those scared parts of you, while also noticing where that desire for absolute control might be holding you back?
Where might it serve you to let go of the mistaken idea that you need to be (or even can be) 100% in control?
PS — If this message resonated with you, let me know what hit home so I can share additional resources. Just click the contact button below.
PPS — It turns out the dates for the England event didn’t work with my schedule, so I turned down the engagement. But I did keep the door open for future conversation, and I genuinely hope to find a way to serve that community, even if I can’t 100% control what will come of it.