Say what?

The brilliant psychologist Esther Perel recently wrote this:

“We are longing for relationships—with partners, friends, family, colleagues, and strangers—but forgetting how to start, build, and sustain them. Social atrophy is not just loneliness. It's the loss of fluency in the very practices that sustain awareness and belonging. And this loss has come with dire consequences: not only loneliness, but also an inability to tolerate discomfort and disagreement. Is it any wonder we are so polarized? So lacking in nuance? So … exhausted?”

These words hit home for me, and prompted questions: What creates connection? What are the practices that sustain belonging? And how do we build that fluency Esther describes?

These topics can feel vague, slightly squishy. It can be easy to assume some people are just good at connecting, while others are not — and never will be. (My introverted self can get comfortable with this idea.)

Or, we might believe that simply wanting to connect is enough.

But that's not what I see — in clients, friends, or myself. Connection (like curiosity, empathy, and presence) is built on concrete, learnable, practicable skills.

If these skills are new to you, you can absolutely build them. If they're rusty, well you can polish them up. And if you already have these skills, wonderful — there's always room to deepen them.

With practice.

This ^^ is the part we so often forget.

I have a lifetime of practice practicing, and I still forget. As a classical musician I learned that fluency requires skill, commitment, patience, and so much practice. Muscles had to be trained, thought patterns strengthened, creativity stretched — again and again.

Fluency with coaching skills develops the same way. 

This holds true for connection, too — even though most of us don't think about it this way. The truth is, wanting connection isn't enough. Connecting well takes skill, practice, and repetition.

The good news? We can all practice, starting now.

 How?

For starters, take a look at the quality of your questions — with friends, direct reports, even the person next to you in line. (As someone who truly loves great questions, I need this reminder, too. I can still get lazy when I'm not in “coach mode.”)  

Here are some better questions — not rocket science, but not the default “how are you?” either:

• What are you most excited about [at work/ at school/ on this project] right now?

• What was the biggest challenge in your day today?

• What's most important about this [decision/belief/choice] for you?

• What's been tugging at your heart recently?

• What's something that surprised you this week?

• What do most people not understand about [your job, this situation, your experience]?

• What has been occupying your brain space this month — at work, and at home?

• What did that experience show you that you couldn't have seen before?

• What did that feel like?

• How is your head, and how is your heart?

• How was/is that for you? (This is my go-to question after someone shares news — divorce, promotion, health diagnosis, weight change, etc. I try hard not to assume that it's either “good” or “bad” news.)

Then keep going, with the simplest, most powerful follow-ups:

• What else?

• Say more.

With practice, we can all build fluency with these kinds of questions, and deepen our connection. 

Will you?

INVITATION: If Esther's words resonate, consider challenging yourself to ask one different, better question, each day. It might feel weird — and like any other skill, it gets easier with repetition.

TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL: Want a bigger challenge? Bring better questions into upcoming holiday gatherings. Try to stay curious for longer. See if you can learn something new or unexpected about the people around you. Notice what this does to your energy and your sense of belonging. 

Let me know how it goes — I'm definitely in it with you!

PS — I also really love playful questions. Lately I've asked clients to describe their past week as a food or meal. Were they satisfied? Do they want more of the same next week? Something different? Maybe add an appetizer or dessert? These creative questions inevitably lead somewhere unexpected and valuable.

PPS — Michael Bungay Stanier has written excellent books about asking better questions in the workplace. Download this quick start guide as a handy resource.