Quit Apologizing (but don’t thank me, either)
Inner Game vs Outer Game
Legendary golfer Arnold Palmer once said, "Golf is a game of inches. The most important are the six inches between your ears."
High achievers (from the basketball court to the concert hall to the C-suite) recognize the importance of the inner game.
But life doesn't happen just inside our heads. We still have to swing and make contact with the ball.
Life consists of actions: the decisions we make, the conversations we navigate, the quality of our work. Whether and how we advocate for a raise, manage a team, or seek out a new role.
In short, getting the things done that we care about.
If we think of life like a game, we need to focus both on the internal workings of the player and the external moves of the game.
One of the most consequential places we can develop more effective moves is in our conversations. Here's a story…
Quit apologizing
I was working with a leader last week who had moved into a new role in his organization. (We'll call him Larry.) It was a steep learning curve, and the quality of his work was not up to his standards. He was steadily losing confidence, creating a vicious cycle where self-doubt caused him to hesitate, second-guess, and get paralyzed — which led to lower quality work, missed deadlines, and even more self doubt.
Can you relate?
We began by creating a concrete system to grow his skill set. (Asking for help was part of the system).
But we also identified a pattern in his communication that was undermining him.
Larry knew his work needed work, and he had developed the habit of profusely apologizing to his boss about it. He wanted his boss to know he wasn't okay with how things were going. At the same time, his instinct told him apologizing wasn't actually helping. I agreed.
I suggested that the next time his boss pointed out an area for improvement, instead of apologizing Larry could express appreciation for the feedback.
He stopped me mid-sentence.
Don't thank me, either
Larry really didn't like that idea — and his reason surprised me. It turns out he was tired of his own direct reports thanking him for cleaning up their work.
He was tired of hearing “great, thanks for catching that” on constant repeat, with no change in the quality of their work. To him, their thank you's seemed too easy, almost flippant. Since they knew he would catch their errors, he felt they had little incentive to try harder. (Larry has some work to do on offering clear feedback — that's for another newsletter.)
So I asked him, what would YOU want to hear, instead?
Not equal
When we slowed down it became clear that not all thank yous, and not all apologies, are created equal.
Larry came to see that when he apologized to his boss he was primarily doing so to ease his own discomfort — and passing the responsibility for comforting him to his boss.
When Larry's direct reports thanked him for catching their errors, they too were avoiding full responsibility, mistaking the social nicety of a thank you for the meaningful action of doing better the next time.
The missing piece in both cases was accountability.
Not true
We live in a society where it's common to say “sorry I'm late,” “sorry I didn't respond,” or “sorry I dropped the ball.” Think about how often you've either said or heard something similar recently.
And it's equally common to respond with “it's fine,” “no problem,” or “no worries.”
But lots of time it's not totally fine, it is a problem, and there are some worries.
This pattern promotes a kind of surface-level smoothness that can disguise real rifts in a relationship, real frustration, and real dysfunction.
Mistakes happen! We are human. And there's a better formula for when they do. (It works for both apologies and appreciations.)
Better Formula
Acknowledge + Impact + Accountability
I see now where I missed the mark // I know it set the project back by a week // I'm going to put a system in place to guarantee this doesn't happen again.
Thank you for helping me navigate that sticky relationship // your insights gave me a much clearer sense of how to move forward // I'm definitely going to use what I learned in future conversations.
I recognize I was way out of line when I raised my voice in our meeting // I know it made it difficult for us to have a productive conversation // I'm committed to handling my emotions differently so this doesn't happen again.
YOUR INVITATION TO REFLECT:
Can you see how much more satisfying these versions are, versus the standard apology/appreciation? Can you see how taking responsibility actually empowers the speaker? What would it feel like to receive one of these? To offer one?
And … will you give this formula a try? Let me know if you do.