“Oh, honey” (laying down our weapons)

I’ve been in the news again recently, and the subject of some social media commentary about goings on in the classical music world. In certain moments it has felt like I was right back in my 2018 equal pay lawsuit, complete with all its attendant fear and exposure. The human body has a remarkable ability to reproduce emotions from past events, and these recent moments evoked a pretty intense visceral response.

An earlier version of me would have powered through those feelings and fought to keep my focus on the present. I would have lectured myself about how this wasn’t “real” right now, and to “get a grip.”

Most of my clients are pros at powering through their toughest days, too — burying difficult emotions, fending off critical inner voices, and battling past their fears, self-doubts, and self-criticism.

They are highly accomplished people. And — they’re tired. Really tired.

I am, too.

Battle Mode

Being in battle mode might work short term, but it’s exhausting. And it’s not sustainable long term. Not for me, not for my clients — and maybe not for you, either? 

This is why, more and more, I’ve been taking a different approach to those inner battles: laying down my weapons.

Rather than battling with my inner critic, I comfort her. Instead of powering through that knot in my stomach, I turn towards those sensations and welcome them. Instead of lecturing myself about how I’m “not doing it right” (and then lecturing myself about how I shouldn’t be lecturing myself about “not doing it right” — neat trick, isn't it?), I recognize that what’s really happening is that a part of me is afraid.

So when those powerful feelings rose up recently I did things differently. I slowed down and talked to myself. “Oh, honey, this is fear. Let’s just be with these feelings for a while.” I actually set a timer for 20 minutes and made myself lie on the couch and “feel my feelings.”

(So weird.)

After 20 minutes of just noticing and being aware of the sensations in my body, the fear had shifted. It didn’t go away entirely, but it was noticeably softer. And by the end of the day it was gone. No battling. No lecturing. Just gentle awareness, acceptance, and trusting that my body knows how to process those feelings without me telling it what to do.

Self indulgent

An earlier version of myself would have believed I didn’t have time for that, that this was self-indulgent, that it was too “woo woo.” I would also have been afraid that focusing on my feelings would result in wallowing in them, being consumed by them. So I would have battled forward instead,

But the battling isn’t sustainable. It’s wearing us down. I’m convinced that the battles we wage inside ourselves are one of the primary contributors to our exhaustion and burnout. I’m also convinced that being in battle mode is a primary blocker to our creativity, productivity — and to achieving excellence.

Weird

Don’t get me wrong: This “oh honey” stuff still feels pretty weird to me.

Many of my clients don’t love this work either. It’s a little cringey for them. Most of them feel more empowered in battle mode — they feel like they’re “doing something.” But when we slow down and get curious, that sense of “doing something” is an illusion.

So they’re increasingly willing to give themselves their own “oh honey” opportunity: to soften towards their feelings, put down their weapons, and recognize that most of the time, what’s truly happening is that part of them is just afraid. And being afraid is 100% normal, human stuff.

Paradox

Our opportunity is to stay in the dance between accepting the fear and not being driven by it. And here’s the big paradox: The more we notice and accept that we’re afraid, the less the fear is running the show, hiding out in the background, influencing our choices, and exhausting us in our battle to keep being strong and smart and successful.

I’m committed to putting down my weapons and walking away from those inner battles, as best I can. I’m no longer going to fight the reality that sometimes (maybe often) a part of me is afraid. I’m going to accept that this is just the human experience, that I am not broken, and I can choose a gentler path and still be every bit as excellent and high achieving as always — just way less exhausted.

Your Invitation to Reflect

What do your inner battles look like? Are you willing to consider that you would have more energy to devote to the things that matter most if you put down those internal weapons and instead offered yourself acceptance and comfort? What feels scary (or inefficient, or just simply uncomfortable) about that?

Resources:

Watch Dan Harris's 14-minute TED talk The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk to Yourself, and listen to Kristin Neff's 20-minute guided meditation Disentangle from Your Thoughts and Feelings