Pairing Up & Getting Sweaty
If today’s subject line conjured up a certain six-episode television romance, I’m right there with you. This, unfortunately, isn’t a newsletter about love and hockey — although I was tempted.
(And if your hopes for a Heated Rivalry-themed newsletter have just been dashed, please read on — there’s something for you at the end.)
The truth is, partnerships of all kinds have been on my mind recently.
Teaming Up & Getting Dropped
Watching the pairs figure skating Olympic competition raised so many questions:
How does a pair cope when one partner misses a jump, while the other skates flawlessly? Or someone drops the other onto the ice?
How does each person get their needs met during years of training, especially when those needs don’t align?
What happens when one partner “wants” the gold more?
Who gets to decide how hard they work, or how much they sacrifice?
Do they have agreements for handling misunderstandings or upset?
How do they relate to each other when things are going well — and when they aren’t?
Do they slow down to fully acknowledge each other on a regular basis, or do they leave that to the coaches?
What does support look like for each of them? And does each know the answer for the other?
Sweaty
Most of us aren't going to get dropped on the ice. And, successfully navigating any kind of partnership is sweaty business — even if we're not doing it while balancing on metal blades.
A highly functional partnership — personal or professional — requires a deep commitment to revealing what’s actually happening inside of us.
Because what’s happening inside always shows up outside, like it or not.
Our fears, past experiences, default reactions, desire for control — and on and on. Strong partnerships face all of this, look at it with clear eyes, and build systems and agreements to support the relationship. Not cookie-cutter relationship “rules,” but courageous, explicit agreements based on the unique individuals involved.
This is brave, vulnerable, ongoing work. It’s not for the faint of heart.
And most partners simply don’t go there.
Going There
A growing part of my coaching work is supporting leadership teams, business partners, and co-founders who realize they need to go there. They are dedicated, intelligent, generous people who have fallen into patterns of resentment, over-responsibility, frustration, and avoidance.
Most teams and partners begin with a profound sense of hope and vision — but no real systems to support that hope and vision when things get tough or circumstances change. As James Clear says, “We don’t rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our systems.”
(This is true of both professional and personal partnerships.)
And even when systems exist, they're often rushed or built on assumptions. How many times have you said (or heard) something like this:
“Let's agree that if something urgent comes up, you'll let me know immediately and I’ll get right back to you.”
Sounds clear, right? But what does “urgent” mean? Let me know, how? What does “right back to you” mean — 10 minutes, 48 hours? What’s the agreement for when I can’t respond immediately? How do we revisit this agreement if it’s not working for one of us?
Every assumption or unanswered question plants a seed of potential resentment, misalignment, and frustration.
If that much can go unsaid in a simple statement, imagine how much work it takes to clarify individual levels of commitment to a shared business. Or to rebuild trust after an (inevitable) rupture.
How do these conversations even take place? How do we raise sticky subjects without drama? Do we have a standing meeting to talk about our relationship? What does that even look like?
It’s a lot! And it matters.
Slowing Down
Partners willing to slow down to build this foundation from the outset create powerful momentum and resilience.
Partners and teams willing to slow down and repair or rebuild a shaky foundation can come out even stronger on the other side.
And partners whose only “system” is to keep wishing and hoping things will get better are likely to break apart, eventually.
Maybe those ice skating pairs have all this handled. I hope so! And, as so many of us know from our own experience, it's possible to be very high achieving while also experiencing a lot of internal suffering.
Possible — not optimal. Possible — definitely not sustainable over the long term.
So for us non-Olympians, it might be time to slow down and give our teams, co-founders, and partnerships the care and courage they (and we) deserve
You
INVITATION TO REFLECT: If you are currently in a partnership or on a team (business or otherwise), how's it going? Are you able to relax and trust that your systems will catch you when things get tough? Or does a lot remain unspoken, misunderstood, or just cloudy? What's one sweaty conversation you might have next week, to begin to strengthen your partnership?
PS — If you're in a professional partnership or are considering one, reach out. I have more resources I’ll gladly send your way.
PPS — The fantastic folks at Not Sorry Productions (I teamed up with them for my Discerning Success program) are offering a “Love in Heated Rivalry” virtual course. Sign up here. (I'll see you there. And you're welcome 💜.)